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Any James Bond movie
"Oh, that little Latin boy in drag is crying. Find out why that little Latin boy in drag is crying."--Vida

"Little Latin boy in drag, why are you crying?"--Noxeema

" Cause, just cause the two of you are so pretty."--Chi Chi

"That's it." Noxeema

"Yes, yes of course we're pretty, but why are you crying?"--Vida

"Maybe she just found out Menudo broke up."--Noxeema


"Oh, you spoke French! How bi."--John Jacob


"Look. Miss Julie Newmar has been watching silently over this entire conversation. And look at her vintage Miss Julie. She is the perfect, the ultimate -- oh! Try to describe her and not use the word "statuesque." Oh, Miss Julie, you are statuesque, and you were the only Catwoman!"--Vida


"We were so poor, my parents got married for the rice."--Chi Chi


"Fine. How are we going to know where we're going?"--Chi Chi


"And exquisite wit. If you're going to become a drag queen, you're gonna have to learn these things."--Noxeema

"What do you mean "be a drag queen"? I *am* a drag queen."--Chi Chi

"Child, no, no, no. You are a boy in a dress. When a straight man puts on a dress and gets his sexual kicks, he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a mans body ... and has the little operation, he is a transsexual."--Noxeema

"I know that."--Chi Chi

"When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender, he is ... a drag queen. And when a tired little Latin boy puts on a dress, he is a boy in a dress."--Noxeema


"What in gay hell?"--Vida


"Don't leave me here with this dead man! I'll get his cooties."--Chi Chi


"I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe. I got more legs than a bucket of chicken!"--Chi Chi


"Tomorrow, I will wear a say-something hat."--Vida


"Miss Vida seems to think that I don't have a dream. I'm not Martin Luther King! I don't need a dream. I have a plan."--Noxeema


"Look, honey. If you want to let them know there is steak for dinner, you got to let them hear it sizzle."--Noxeema


"Sometimes it just takes a fairy."--Vida



"Around here, their favorite thing to do is get offended by something small and hold on to it for 50 years."--Jessie


"I will miss your lips and everything attached to them."

"You're an artist, man. Your job is to break through barriers. Not accept blame and bow and say, 'Thank you. I'm a loser. I'll go away now.'"

"You want to be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smilin'."

"You have 5 minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it, embrace it, discard it ... and proceed."

"His death was only the beginning of his victory."

"You've got me? Who's got you?"--Lois Lane in Superman

"How about I give you the finger and you give me my phone call."--The Matrix

"You said f--k."--the kid in Jerry Maguire

"Doc, you mean to tell me that you made a time machine .... out of a DeLorean?"--Marty in Back to the Future

"I'm an American, honey. Our names dont mean s--t."--Pulp Fiction

"Oh, great. Now we're going to die. And here I am, tied to THIS chair!"--Armageddon

"You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands."--Men in Black

"Do you see that? That says NYPD! That stands for Nail Your Punk-a$$ Down!"--MIB

"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"--The Joker in Batman
"SCOTT!!!!!!!!"--Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery 

"Death cannot stop true love, only delay it for a while."--Princess Bride

"Im Bad Ash. You're Good Ash!!"--Army of Darkness

"Hell of a thing to kill a man. You take away all he has and all he's ever going to be."--Unforgiven

"It's like seeing someone for the first time -- like you could be passing on the street, and you look at each other and for a few seconds, there's this kind of a recognition -- like you both know something. The next moment the person's gone and it's too late to do anything about it. And you always remember it, because it was there and you let it go."--Out of Sight

"She's goin' downstairs." --American Pie

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning."--Apocalypse Now

"I hope that someday, you too will know the joy of having children and paying someone else to raise them."--The Addams Family Values

"Nice a$$."--I Shot Andy Warhol

"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."--Princess Leia to Han Solo in Star Wars

"Surely you can't be serious."--"I am serious and don't call me Shirley."--Airplane!

"Why don't I call you sometime? Is your number still 911? Alrighty, then!"--Ace Ventura: Pet Detective


"We're on a mission from God."--The Blues Brothers

"I wrote it down so that I wouldn't have to remember it."--Dr. Jones Sr. in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

"You've got a nickel-and-dime outlook. That's why you can't see the big picture."--Borden in CAST A DEADLY SPELL

"My collar's frayed, I may need a shoeshine, but nobody's got a mortgage on my soul. I own it, free and clear."--Lovecraft in CAST A DEADLY SPELL


The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullogh

The Amityville Horror

Cabal by Clive Barker

The Dragons of Pern series by Anne McCaffrey

The Shining by Stephen King

City of Bones by Michael Connelly

The Crow (graphic novel)


La Femme Nikita


Any of the Law & Order shows

Third Watch

Any of the Star Trek shows

The X-Files

Whose Line Is It, Anyway?

















This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

 (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"


(Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint!! Just say you're welcome.


This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"


Theme Songs for Bible Characters
ADAM AND EVE "Strangers in Paradise"
LAZARUS "The Second Time Around"
ESTHER "I Feel Pretty"
MOSES "The Wanderer"
JEZEBEL "The Lady is a Tramp"
SALOME "I Could Have Danced All Night"
DANIEL "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
JOSHUA "Good Vibrations"
PETER "I'm Sorry"
ESAU "Born To Be Wild"
JEREMIAH "Take This Job and Shove It"
THE THREE KINGS "When You Wish Upon a Star"
JONAH "Got a Whale of a Tale"
ELIJAH "Up, Up, and Away"
METHUSELAH "Stayin' Alive"
SHADRACH, MESHACH, and ABENDEGO "Great Balls of Fire!"

How To Be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.


only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


I believe -

. . . that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.


I believe -

. . . that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.


I believe -

. . . that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.


I believe -

. . . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.


I believe -

. . . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.


I believe -

. . . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.


I believe -

. . . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.


I believe -

. . . that you can keep going long after you think you can't.


I believe -

. . . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.


I believe -

. . . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.


I believe -

. . . That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.


I believe -

. . . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.


I believe -

. . . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.


I believe -

. . . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.


I believe -

. . . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.


I believe -

. . . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.


I believe -

. . . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.


I believe -

. . . that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.


I believe -

. . . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.


I believe -

. . . that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.


I believe -

. . . two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.


I believe -

. . . that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.


I believe -

. . . that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.


I believe -

. . . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.


I believe -

. . . that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.